10 Ways to Help Children Deal With Divorce

Every year more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For many of those women and men, divorce impacts their lives emotionally, mentally, and physically. They can identify with the pain of Job: “If only my anguish could be weighted and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the sea” (Job 6:2, 3, NIV).* For their children the impact can be even more devastating According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, children whose parents are divorcing often suffer depression, sleep disturbance, loss of self-esteem, poor academic performance, behavioral regression, and a host other physical and emotional problems. Here are 10 ways parents can help children deal with divorce.

1. Give children permission to express feelings. Almost 50 percent of children whose parents divorce show signs of psychological trauma during the first year after the event, according to a 1994 policy statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Boys become aggressive. Girls get depressed. Both sexes are more likely to develop drug and alcohol problems. One effective way to ease the impact of divorce on children is accomplished by giving them permission to express feelings.

2. Reassure children that the divorce is not their fault. Be diligent in frequently reminding children they are loved and they did nothing to cause the breakup. Do your best to convey this single important message: We’re divorcing each other, but we’re not divorcing you! “Ninety-five percent of the children I work with are convinced they are responsible for their parents’ divorce,” says Suzy Yehl Marta, cofounder and national executive director of Rainbows for All God’s Children, Inc.

3. Make the transition from being a marriage partner to being a parent partner. During the course of a marriage the spouses are husband and wife as well as father and mother. After the divorce they remain only a mother and a father. It is vital that parents who divorce make the transition from being marital partners to becoming partners in parenting. Doing this successfully means placing the needs of your children ahead of your own wishes and desires. Do your best to focus on the present situation and the child’s present needs. Avoid focusing on the past and any lingering regret and resentment.

4. Never disparage your former spouse in front of the children. When it comes to an ex-spouse, follow this instruction from the apostle Paul: “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6). “Keep parents disagreements between the two of you,” is the advice offered by Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D. associate director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Southern California and author of Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart.

5. Pay your child support. Always be prompt and on time with child support payments. Follow through on your responsibility to provide important financial support for your family. Be guided by this advice from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers: ‘If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a disadvantage that has pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.”

6. Accept that your child has a right to both parents. Regardless of what transpires between you and your spouse after a divorce, always operate on the understanding that your child has right to both parents. Apply this principle even if support payments are late or unpaid. “As important as child support payments are, children should not be kept from seeing a parent because the payment has not been made,” declares Florence Bienfeld, Ph.D., a Los Angeles marriage and family counselor and author of Helping Your Child Succeed After Divorce.

7. Practice the fine art of compromise. There is much wisdom in this proverb: “it is better to lose the saddle than the horse.” Divorced couples need to settle disagreements through compromise rather than confrontation and retaliation.

8. Be honorable and principled as a divorced parents. Jesus stressed the importance of honor and principle: “simply let your ‘Yes’ be “Yes,’ and your “No,” be “No’” (Matthew 5:37, NIV). We are not to play games with each other and be unreliable. Show your ex-partner that you are a person of integrity and principle by faithfully adhering to agreements and promises.

9. Don’t place children in an emotional cross fire. Some divorcing parents do their children a great injustice by placing them in the middle of conflicts and disagreements. Avoid scenarios like pumping children for information, using children to carry message, making children deliver payments, etc.

10. Provide your child a room, not a sofa. “Even if your children spend only four or five days a month with you, you should strive to provide them with more than a couch to sleep on, if at all possible.” Writes Doreen Virtue in her book My Kinds Don’t Live With Me Anymore.

Finally, be patient with yourself and your children. Pray for your children, asking God to pour healing graces upon them. Live with the divine assurance that the wound crated by divorce will heal but will take time and effort. With love, patience, and prayer your child will adjust, adapt, and continue to grow in knowledge, skills, and healthy independence.